I can still smell her perfume in my office.

I have all the windows and doors open because it’s a warm day. But Shane’s perfume still
permeates. I wish it would go away. The smell makes me sad.

Yes, Shane came to visit for 5 days and now she’s gone. My hopes were so high for this time with her. I had hoped to talk and talk and talk endlessly about God, about love, about life. I thought we would laugh and eat and explore. And while we did some of that, we also got snarled up in misunderstanding. And I ended up with my heart broken.

I’m still trying to understand where I went wrong. How did I attract this mess? Why would I attract a friend who would judge and insult me so? I don’t know, except that there must be that vibe in me. I must have the same kind of judgment and harshness for myself. And perhaps for others as well. Is that true? Is that what this is all about?

She didn’t even accept the gifts I gave her. She left them here. The ultimate insult.

This I know. I must take full responsibility for my broken heart, for this hurt I feel. Somehow, I attracted this. And yes, I learned so much about myself. My willingness to let people insult me, poke jibes at me, without saying anything because I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable! AND my willingness to also participate in this kind of insulting humor, where you poke fun at someone as a way to connect with them. As a form of play. That sarcastic kind of humor that’s not all that funny.

As I feel how painful it was for me to be on the receiving AND the giving end of such thoughtless repartee, I am determined not to participate in this kind of communication. Especially with my friends. With those I love.

I want my words AND my thoughts about others to be kind, uplifting, inspiring and appreciative. Truly. To find what’s beautiful and alive in each person, to respect and honor their path, their way… even if I don’t understand it. To love them as they are. To meet them where they are. And hold them in love always.

Including those who break my heart.