Big City Disease…Or, I May Be Moving Soon.
It happened on the corner of 4th & Mendocino Ave.
I was standing there, waiting for the light to turn so I could cross the street. And the thought came. “This place is too small for me now. I can’t stay here.”
Santa Rosa, CA, is a small city as cities go. I live in an even smaller town just outside of Santa Rosa and I’ve always
4th Street in Santa Rosa, CA
loved both my little town and Santa Rosa. They are slow and sweet and safe. Quaint and quiet. The politics tend to be liberal, and the people are smart, kind and just a little crazy. Every time I would travel to big cities, like New York, L.A. or even San Francisco, I always loved coming back to Santa Rosa where the pace is gentle, and there’s plenty of parking, and people don’t drive like meth addicts. And then there’s those gorgeous lavender mountains that cradle the east and the Pacific ocean cradling the west.
And hey, Santa Rosa has a Peet’s Coffee!
But as I stood on that corner yesterday, I knew I needed more. And that knowing sickened me. What the hell am I supposed to do with THIS?
My mind rushed in to the rescue, handing me this next thought: “Oh, come on! This is just New York City backlash. You’ll get over this! You’ll feel differently next week!” But I don’t know if I want to feel differently. Because I know this revelation is merely an aftershock of a larger earthquake that’s shaking the foundation of my life. This is not only about where I live. It’s about how I want to live. It’s about who I am becoming.
Call it a mid-life crisis. Call it a breakthrough. Call it whatever you want. All I know is that what has always felt safe and familiar, cozy and comfortable, now feels like a vice grip on my throat.
And okay, being in New York didn’t help, I’ll admit. I loved being out in the City, hearing live music every night, meeting crazy new people, having intense conversations with other musicians, not knowing what was going to happen next. We weren’t locked in at night watching TV. We were out in the energy and buzz of life. And it made me feel alive, invigorated and inspired.
Since I’ve been back, with the exception of one great night at Lorraine Feather’s show, I’ve been trying to be okay with my old routine. Work, sing, eat, watch TV, go to bed… get up and do it all over again. I mean, we all have our routines, right? And I’m not knocking a system that works.
But I can’t walk out my door (or even drive 30-60 minutes) and find a jazz club like Smoke, or any place where music is being created in the moment. Or gather with people who love music, who are intensely passionate about it… or passionate about SOMETHING. And I’m craving all of that.
I’ve tried appeasing my desire for MORE by thinking, “Hey, you’re just 75 minutes away from San Francisco. You love that City! And you love coming home from that City.”
But you know what? Even San Francisco feels too small. Rather, too familiar. And now, right now, I’m hungry for the Unfamiliar. The Unknown. For room to grow into myself. For people who know this same hunger and are feeding it by living a life that thrills them. For music and the people who make it, love it, and crave it as I do.
So. I have no idea where this will lead me. Seattle? Portland? Both are cities with lots of life, jazz and young, passionate people. Or maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and fall back in love with Santa Rosa and my own quiet, sleepy town. But I don’t think so. I’ve got Big City Disease. And it may prove fatal.
1Chris Alexander
wrote on 13 November 2008 at 19:26
Hi Nancy,
The lure of the big city… I miss it, too (having grown up next to Berkeley and across the bay from SF and the peninsula). There’s something about being surrounded by half-a-million people that the “cosmopolitan” burg of Santa Rosa (population around 150K) can’t provide.
I’m sorry to miss your Upper 4th gig this month, and dinner after w/ you, Dana and Mr. Jeffrey, where we could chat about all this (I’m heading for my show in about 10 minutes). Are you taking a rain-check on getting together in the approaching new year, in case you’re not in the Bay Area…?
I’m sure we’ll be in touch somehow soon.
Your fan,
Chris A.
2Shea Breaux Wells
wrote on 5 December 2008 at 18:00
I know what you mean…nyc rocks in a deep, insane way.
however, there is free, creative, wonderful jazz at palette art cafe in healdsburg every thursday night! and I know it’s not the same…and i know it’s only once a week….but the quality of music there is actually pretty amazing. and there are often musicians who are traveling and stop in for a show!
just in case you get “homesick” for nyc!
peace,
shea
3hms
wrote on 3 March 2009 at 6:26
Maybe what you need, isn’t a HUGE city like New York but a smaller city with a different, non-Californian mindset, like Boston.
4Maggi Munat
wrote on 7 March 2009 at 12:49
Hi Nancy!
I just came across you blog while researching my upcoming move!I guess I’ve just got the opposite, but I still would call my predicament “Big City Disease’! Meaning I am longing for a smaller community and to GET OUT of the city. I live in Seattle, and have for over 11 years, minus a 3 years in the funky small town of Port Townsend, Washington. I guess years ago I used to take more advantage of all the city has to offer. But lately, it seems I can’t afford it, it’s too much hassle to get downtown or find parking, or the crowds are just too intense/obnoxious.I don’t know, but I am moving to Santa Rosa ( or very nearby) June 1st. Hoping there is a LITTLE culture,art and music in the area. I have spent a bit of time there and really enjoyed it.
I DO love Seattle, but over the last few years , my car has been broken into twice, vandalized once, STOLEN once, and my last house was broken into and a lot of my things were stolen. I feel it’s time to move where I’m not paranoid all the time. I want to feel more open and trusing again, instead of jaded and bitter. And I am looking to connect in a caring community. Seattle is a great city, but sometimes it can seem a bit disjointed, and clique-ish. But really, I have loved it here for many reasons..temperate climate, mountains, water, liberal, great music scene, arts, food. I’m just ready for a slower pace.
I’m looking forward for occasional jaunts to San Fran, but am really looking to feel safe, cozy and connected in Sonoma County. Music, wineries, the ocean, swimming,camping, ‘boarding at Tahoe! And hopefully many nice times with new friends and acqaintances!
Thank you for your comments about Santa Rosa. Your words described exactly what I am looking for, and i’ll be close enough to the city for a bit of music,arts and culture! Good luck with your new quest! I know the feeling of needing change!
Oh, and also am a mobile DJ , and hope to get lotsa gigs , perfoming for weddings, parties ..you name it! It’s such a destination area, I don’t imagine it will be TOO hard!