Don't Take It Personally

I’m not sure what started it.
Was it that comment about her vibrato? Was it the request for her to sing sotto voce?

I am taking a class with Maye Cavallaro at the Jazz School in Berkeley. Every Sunday, five other singers and I are coached by Maye who is teaching us a little of everything: unique ways to approach a song, to learn a song, to set-up a song, how to improvise, how to warm-up, and even some helpful hints of how to sing when you’re sick.

Last Sunday, I was fascinated as I watched one student morf into a semi-defensive, semi-despairing sulk as Maye coached her in front of the class. I knew that something Maye had said to her started this descent into the netherworlds of self-doubt. I think it was the comment about controlling her vibrato. But maybe I’m projecting, since I get this feedback, too.

I was struck by how fragile we are as singers sometimes. One comment or one suggestion, even in a classroom situation, can plummet us into a nosedive of “Oh, man, I really must suck” or stir up an angry snarl of defensiveness. It’s as if our belief in ourselves is so fragile, so impermanent that we guard it from any intruders at all costs. We know that if someone starts poking at that fragile place, it’s going to hurt.

But then, we do want feedback, don’t we? We need it. We need to know what’s not working as well as what is. Still, we fear those constructive-yet-critical comments. We dread that sick, sour feeling that precedes a dark bout of insecurity and doubt.

I’ll confess. I, too, started to feel myself drop into doubt last Sunday as Maye coached me in that same class. It was hard to hear some of her comments only because of the way I received them. I found myself thinking, “Wow, I’ve been performing all these years and I need to work on THAT? Have I been fooling myself into thinking I’ve been singing well? Maybe I should quit?”

But that’s not what Maye was saying. She was basically telling me, “Hey, you don’t really know this song. Here’s what you need to do.,.”

Once my turn was over and I sat back down, I realized that this is exactly why I signed up for this class. I wanted feedback! I wanted to work on my craft and my art. And in that moment, I was so grateful for this opportunity. I’ve been dying for constructive feedback, and now I was getting it!

Once I got over myself, I started to feel excited.

As a result of that class, I’ve redesigned my practice sessions and I’ve changed the way I learn songs. It all feels good. And I’m so grateful to have someone like Maye who can offer great feedback, even when it’s hard to hear, so that I can learn and have what I want, which is to be the best singer I can be.

As for my fellow student who just couldn’t open to being coached that day, I hope that when she got home and thought about it, she found herself in a state of appreciation and excitement as well.