— John Mayer, from the song, Georgia

This afternoon, I’ll be singing at Don’t Tell Mama in New York City.
It’s my sliver of a New York City debut.

My friend Jason Britton from California is premiering his “Listen to Your Heart” show here in NYC, and he asked me to be his guest artist, so to speak. I’m singing a duet with him, “Love Is When,” and then, I’ll get to sing a tune on my own. My New York, one-song debut. “But Beautiful,” by James Van Heusen & Johnny Burke.

Should I be more excited? I will be once I get up on stage, but this morning I feel so dragged out, tired, even though I got tons of sleep, and sad. Yeah, just a smidge sad. Not sure why. I don’t think it has anything to do with today’s show, or the fact no one I know will be attending. It’s not that. It’s something I’ve been feeling for a while now.

When I moved here to New York (wow, it’s been almost 4 months now), I knew it would take time to make friends, develop relationships, find community. And I was ready for that. Because when you do something dramatic and crazy like moving across country to a strange city, you expect things to feel strange. You expect that it will take a while to get your bearings, to figure out where things are. You figure, as you leave a family of friends behind, that everybody will be a stranger.

But what I didn’t expect was that my old friends in California would start to become strangers, too.

And they have. When I talk to them, which is rare, it feels so different… distant. They are literally and figuratively and emotionally far, far away. Some of them I don’t talk to at all. Some of them (one, actually) sends me a two-sentence email once in a while.

And to be fair, I could be so much better about calling them. Much better. But it’s not the quantity of the contact that is missing. It’s that feeling of connection. That bond of intimacy and friendship. It’s shifted. It’s changed. It’s, well… dissolving.

So again, I feel like I’m stuck inside a John Mayer song.

Or maybe a Joni Mitchell song:

Old friends seem indifferent.
You must have brought that on.
Old bonds have broken down,
Love is gone.

Ah, but then, love is never gone. And that’s what I wrap myself in as I get ready to g to Don’t Tell Mama’s for a sound check, a long wait, and then the show. While it’s hard to be here when old friends are feeling far away and new ones don’t yet exist, love still is available, ready, waiting.

I hate it when you’re winding down from a long week with a beer and a conversation with a dear friend and truth sneaks in and smacks you up side the face leaving a sting you can’t ignore. But then, truth’s always been a rude one. No manners, but great dramatic timing.

Since I moved to New York I’ve been busy trying to make a living, pay the rent, and make my way as best I can. And it’s been good, incredibly good at times. A fun job selling advertising. My copywriting biz is doing well. I’ve met a lot of people and I feel there’s a lot to explore here.

No, I haven’t been singing as much as I’d like, but that’s changing. I’m lined up to meet with a few jazz pianists and start rehearsing. I have a guest spot in a friend’s show in New York City, my first time on a New York stage.

So, life is good. And for the most part, I’ve been pretty dammed happy and optimistic here.

“So what, so I’ve got a smile on.
But it’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don’t believe me, don’t believe me when I say I’ve got it down.”

But I realize all this busyness and work has allowed me to avoid one of the things that brought me to New York in the first place. The desire to move my life AND my work into the world of music. Not necessarily as a performer, but as a promoter, advocate, marketer and supporter of musicians.

For years and years, it’s been my dream to help musicians succeed and thrive on all levels — financially, emotionally, creatively. But I’ve always gotten mucked up in the “how” of it. HOW can I fulfill this dream? What do I need to do to move closer to it? Can I do it and still make a living?

These unanswered questions and the familiar despair that accompanies them threw me into a funk that only provoked more questions:

Am I any closer to living my heart’s desire than I was when I living in California?

Is all this busyness bringing me any closer to my goal?

What the bleep am I doing with this one life of mine anyway?

“Am I living it right? Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why, Georgia, why?“

John Mayer was twenty-something when he wrote “Georgia,” the song I’ve been quoting throughout this post. The song that’s been banging around in my head for weeks. But I’m 52 years old and it bugs me that I’m still asking these questions. It scares me. My fear is that I’ll always be living the questions, never the answers.

“Cause I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdict-less life.”

But after a long bout of hysterical sobbing and watching old episodes of West Wing, and then attending to the mundane particulars of my life, my thinking shifted.

Maybe, just maybe, I’m not meant to do anything in particular. Maybe, even though I feel this strong pull to be drenched in music and help musicians be successful, maybe it’s just a thought, an idea, not my reason for being. Maybe realizing this dream is completely irrelevant to living a happy, productive, purposeful life.

And what if it’s not only okay but preferable to have a “verdict-less life,” to use John Mayer’s phrase. As trite as it sounds, maybe it’s not the destination (the verdict) but how you travel the path (the process) that makes all the difference.

“Everybody’s just a stranger but that’s the danger in going my own way.
It’s the price I have to pay.

Yesterday was a lazy day. And as I laid back and did next to nothing, I felt this overwhelming happiness. Not for any particular reason. Not because I was fulfilling my destiny or living my dream. Not because I had accomplished something or attained anything. I was simply being. Being happy.

And maybe being happy, regardless of what I’m doing, regardless of my work or location or circumstance, can be the verdict of my life.

when all I need or want is to be alone

listening to John Mayer sing “Dreaming With a Broken Heart.”

There are days, like today,

when I feel hung by the weight  of betrayal and disappointment

and yet I don’t care.

Because soon, at 5:00 pm today I’ll be standing in front of a room

of strangers, singing

sinking my heart into every sound and word.

And today, that is Everything.

“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart,
the waking up is the hardest part.”
— John Mayer