Last night, a songwriter/musician whom I admire asked me a question that stopped my heart. He asked me if he wrote a song for me to sing, would I accept his instruction when it came time to record it. In essence, would I sing the song the way he wanted me to. Would I do my best to produce the kind of sound he heard in his head.

Now, usually, this would be a no-brainer answer: “Uh, yeah, sure I would. I love what you do. Let’s go!” But I didn’t say that. I said something lame, like “Maybe it’s best if we keep our musical lives separate.” See, this songwriter is also a dear friend. I love him like crazy. We have a great rapport and relationship outside of music, and I’d like to keep it that way.

But that’s not the real reason I blew him off. The real reason is, I’m scared. Not of singing the song, but of what might happen to me while he’s telling me HOW to sing it.

I remember long ago when I was working on the song, “Lover Man” with my piano man, John Simon. It was in the days when I sang every song too high because of my training and the ignorance that came with that kind of training. John, during the course of our rehearsal, tried to get me to sing it lower and grittier, with more chest voice, which made total sense for this song.

I couldn’t do it.

I tried, but I couldn’t. I could do it NOW, but I couldn’t do it then. I was so locked in to my old ways of singing. I sang the way I sang, right or wrong, gritty or not gritty. But it hurt that I couldn’t produce the sound John heard in his head. It hurt, because to me it meant I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t the singer he wanted me to be, a singer he’d like to listen to.

As artists, or would-be artists, there are certain people in our lives from whom praise and appreciation mean the world. To have their respect and admiration sends us over the moon and back. It makes us feel invincible. I’m not talking about critics or music reviewers; I’m talking about people we have a personal relationship with. Lovers, parents, teachers, dear friends. People we love and respect and admire.

And when those people don’t like what we do or who we are as artists, or they say things that feel belittling or dismissive of what we love, it cuts deep. And leaves a scar. I know. I’ve got several of them.

But as artists, we keep on doing what we love despite what others may say or think. We do it because we love it, because it’s a part of who we are. And if we’re lucky, we get the support and confidence of those we hold dear. If we’re lucky, what we do shakes the dust from someone’s heart so they can feel what’s true.

Now, one of my favorite songwriters whose work I admire and whose friendship I treasure, has offered me an opportunity that has the potential to sting like a son-of-a-bitch. The stakes feel higher than ever, because I’ll tell you a secret: I’ve longed to have this songwriter/musician friend ASK me to sing something he’s written. I’ve always wished he would. And now that it’s a possibility, I’m scared. Scared of how deeply it might hurt if I can’t cut the mustard, if I can’t create the sound he wants me to create.

Oh, how fragile is this singer’s ego sometimes! How easily I can be blown off course by a nonchalant comment, a suggestion, an opinion… or lack of one.

But you know what? I’m even more scared of letting this opportunity pass me by than I am of the possible ego-shattering fallout sure to ensue should this project fail to turn out well. Hey, I’ve been blasted apart before and somehow, I’m still here. Still singing. Though a bit more self-consciously.

I’ve been back home for over a week now. What a wildly wicked and wonderful trip! It changed my life and then changed it back again. It lifted me up, twirled me around and then threw me to the curb… and I’m just now finding my center again.

And while I can’t tell you everything about my trip, mostly because so much of it was intensely personal, I can share with you the musical highlights and insights I experienced.

I fell in love with a great little jazz and supper club on the edge of Harlem called Smoke. I went there with my

Judy Barnett @ Smoke

talented friend Shaynee Rainbolt, who lives in New York and was kind enough to let me stay with her during my trip, to hear Judy Barnett and her great jazz band. They were tight!

And who should we meet there but songwriter/entertainer/funny man Mr. Ray Jessel. Now, I’ve heard so much about Ray but had never had the pleasure of meeting him. He’s so much fun and extraordinarily charming. He, Shaynee and I all had dinner together while listening to Judy and her band swing it hard.

Shaynee & Ray

Oh, how I wish there was a jazz club like this in San Francisco!

One of the other highlights for me was getting to go to Birdland, one of the most famous and historic jazz clubs in New York. Some if not all of the greatest jazz legends in the world played there when it was located on 52nd & Broadway. Artists like Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, Thelonious Monk, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Bud Powell, Stan Getz, Lester Young, Erroll Garner, and many, many others. Today, it’s located in midtown Manhatten and continues to be the home of “some of the best jazz on the planet.”

On Monday night, I was there for Cast Party, which is like an open mic for some of the greatest cabaret and musical theater stars in the world. See, Mondays are Broadway’s dark night, meaning there aren’t any performances. So, a lot of Broadway stars who just can’t stand taking a night off, show up at Cast Party to sing and promote there show, etc.

As we walked into Birdland, the legendary Marilyn Maye was singing! Oh my god, this woman is amazing. At 80 years old, she sings with more passion and fire (and greater skill) than most singers in their prime. Ah, it did my heart good to hear her. I only wish I had been able to stay in New York longer to see her show.

I was also blown away by Ted Firth, the jazz pianist who accompanies all these singers during Cast Party. He plays so beautifully, with a restrained elegance and style, that I only wish he had taken more solos.

Then, guitarist Terrence Brewer took the stage to join Ted and the bass player (who’s name I can’t remember – shame on me!) in order to accompany yet another singer. I must confess, I don’t remember the singer or the song because I was so captivated by Terrence’s playing.

Lucky for me, I got to meet Terrence the following night! I was at the Metropolitan Room (one of the greatest

Terrence Brewer & Me

cabaret rooms in New York; I love hearing music there) to see my friend Terese Genecco’s show at 7:00 and then Russ Lorenson’s show at 9:45 pm. As I took my seat for Terese’s show, there was Terrence, sitting at the table right next to mine. I introduced myself and told him how much I enjoyed his playing the night before, and well, the conversation just took off from there.

To my delight, I discovered that he’s from Northern California! He was in New York to play multiple gigs, including Russ’s show that night. Well, well, well. Just my good luck. I’ve been looking for a jazz guitarist to collaborate with and it seems I had to go to New York to find one in my own back yard! Man, I love New York!

Wait a moment. Let me mention that before I went to Birdland on Monday, I was at the Metropolitan Room (can’t get enough of that place!) to hear my two dearest friends, Shaynee Rainbolt and Terese Genecco, sing for the “Friends With Benefits” performance, a benefit for Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.

Here is the video of that night.

I SO wish I had a video of Terese Genecco’s show on Tuesday night at the Metropolitan Room. Frankly, this woman makes me sick! Just when you think there is no stinking way she can get any better, she takes the stage with her little big band and blows your mind with her talent, her voice, her showmanship and mastery of this thing called entertainment.

Now, I’ve seen Terese’s show so many times I’ve lost count. And I lap it up every time. But this night, she did a version of “Anywhere I Hang My Hat Is Home” that killed! It rocked! It was jaw-dropping amazing! Damn her!

I snuck out to make a phone call before Russ Lorenson’s new show, Standard Time, which featured songs written after 1960 that Russ believes need to be included in what we call the Great American Songbook.

What I loved about Russ’s show, other than his incredibly beguiling voice, was that I hardly knew any of the songs in this show! Just a handful. It was such a joy to be introduced to songs written by by songwriters who are still alive and writing great stuff. Including my buddy, Kelly Park, who was not only the musical director for this show but one of the songwriters Russ featured in this show. Hey, Kelly! Who knew?

As Joe Regan, Jr., from Cabaret Scenes wrote: “Russ Lorenson, who possesses one of the great male voices in cabaret, begins his new show, ‘Standard Time’ with a question: ‘Who says the Great American Songbook stopped in 1959?’ The selections are a treasure trove of obscure beauties and make Lorenson’s show a must-see…”

On Thursday, Oct. 30, I flew home. It felt like the longest flight ever. So much of me wanted to stay in New York. I can’t wait to go back!

Here's the deal. The site and blog would focus on information, interviews and resources to help singers:

• apply the new rules of marketing and PR to advance their careers
• network strategically to get gigs
• create an image that works for them
• apply the Law of Attraction to their lives and work
• perform with confidence, authenticity and their own kind of charisma
• connect with other singers and industry professionals

And who knows what else.

I've been thinking about it for a long while and I'm almost ready to take action, but… here's what's stopping me:

Will anyone care?
Do singers really look for this stuff online?
Is there an audience for what I want to create?

When I search for something like this idea online, I find nothing. Sure, there are some sites for musicians but nothing just for singers. There's a lot for bands, but not so much for solo performers.

Tonight, three of my singer friends are coming over for dinner so I may create an impromptu focus group and grill them with questions. Is this something you could use? And if not, what would be helpful?